The One Where The Sheriff Can't Find Her Handcuffs
by polybi
Summary: Remember when Emma walked in on her parents doing the horizontal boogie? This one's worse. And Regina's with her. Not much SQ, but it shall be Snowing. Hard. Crack. The usual disclaimers. Now Rated M: Subject matter and much smutocity.
1. Chapter 1

_You know that when you go to one of your favorite forums and find something titled, "I lost the Handcuff Keys," it will not end well. Not to mention one hell of a prompt._

_Not much SQ, but it will be Snowing. Hard (Rated T, so not THAT hard)._

_The usual disclaimers._

This was not the morning to start with Sheriff Emma Swan. She overslept, she's still pretty groggy, and as she ran out of the house she swore she forgot something.

So the last thing she needed to see was a certain overachieving mayor cross her path. With that 100 watt smile.

"Good morning, Miss Swan," with all the cheerfulness one would reserve for a re-election campaign. that Regina Mills could muster.

"Not, now!" replied a frazzled Emma, searching through her backpack to see if anything was forgotten.

"Shit!"

"Now, Miss Swan, that is not the way to address a mayor. Even if said mayor was treated to the best fish dinner she ever had last night..."

Emma blushed and sheepishly smiled. Ever since Wonderland, the people of Storybrooke decided to make peace with Regina by reinstating her as Mayor and at least being civil with her. Emma went a bit further...they shared a son, after all. Civility turned into something more. There were kisses...deep kisses. But not much past that. After everything that both have gone through in their lives, they wanted not to rush things.

"I just have to double back home to make sure I didn't forget anything."

"Such as...?"

Emma meekly replied, "oh...handcuffs..."

Regina gave the appropriate eye roll: "Well, heaven forbid we have a major crime committed in our fair city before you get back to the Charmings, like, say, Leroy getting drunk at 9 in the morning..."

"Not possible. Grumpy's been on the wagon ever since he and Nova got engaged. Wanna come along?"

"Why not," answered the mayor. "Besides, since we've been getting along so well, life's been kind of boring, so a few minutes with her majesty, Ms. White should be...hmmm, invigorating." To this Emma returned and eye roll of her own.

Actually, the relationship between Regina and Snow has been relatively pleasant for the last few months. The prevailing motto around the Charming and Mills households had been "in the best interests of Henry." Which is why Regina cut back on her Clay Buchholz impressions with fireballs. Anyway, Henry was in school, Kathryn was subbing for Snow who wanted to spend a little time with the other Idiot...errrrr...James.

Besides, Regina thought, Emma runs into the apartment, grabs whatever she needs, exchange a couple of snarky remarks with the Two Idiots, and that would be that. At least that's what she thought as she and Emma approached the apartment door.

They were not prepared for what they saw.

Emms left her handcuffs home, all right. There they were, in plain sight. The two pairs of cuffs connected the railings of the day bed with the wrists of David Nolan. James. Prince Charming.

Daddy.

And daddy was wearing nothing. But a thong.

Black. Leather. Thong.

Behind him was Snow, in a black leather bustier that left precious little to imagination...not to mention slutty makeup and blood-red lip rouge, wielding a paddle a la A-Rod in his prime...the very same paddle the school recently retired as a student punishment due to empassioned protests by the aforementioned Ms. White, claiming cruelty to children.

Seems adults were another matter.

And with every WHACK! administered by Mistress Snow, you could hear a nearly naked Charming exclaim...

"Thank you, ma'am may I have another...!"

WHACK!

"Thank you, ma'am may I have another...!"

WHACK!

"Thank you, ma'am may I have another..."

And occasionally, Mistress Snow would seductively coo..., "But of course you will dear Jimmy...you've been such a _**baaaaad**_ boy..."

WHACK!

The sheriff quietly closed the door. And Emma and Regina simply stared blankly at each other, digesting what they have seen.

Regina was definitely thinking that she knew that Snow's heart was darkening, but not to this extent.

Emma, on the other hand, thought that walking in on Mommy and Daddy in post-coital bliss was one thing, but walking in on Mommy and Daddy working on the 39th Shade of Grey was another.

And so it was that both women quickly dashed across the street and around the corner. Once a safe distance. they looked at each other, shocked to the core.

"Miss Swan, I do not believe there are enough apples grown that can produce enough cider for me to erase what I just saw from my mind..."

"Got anything stronger, Regina?"

"There were some spirits that I...uh...removed from Hook's ship once. Do you know anything about Everclear..?"

Emma did. It was the rocket fuel...literally..that was part of her misspent youth. And considering she could not, even now, remember much after a couple of swallows, she thought that would do the trick.

And so the Sheriff and mayor retreated to the mansion to drink the trauma away...

**So should I continue...or leave well enough alone..?**


	2. Chapter 2

_Storybrooke lives! The hell with canon. Disney/ABC may own the characters but do not own our hearts._

_I feel that after this week...and next...we need a dose of CRACK. This will not be AS raunchy as Ch. 1...but Ch. 3 will MORE than make up for it._

_Thanks to hollz2283 and for holding my hand through this. Not-betaed. Storong language. You've been warned._

* * *

It had been a good 11 years since Emma Swan consumed Satan's Potion, otherwise known as Everclear. The stuff is not legal in about 11 states...including the one she was in...with good reason. And as the sheriff of Storybrooke, ME slowly, groggily looked around as she opened her weary eyes that morning, it was clear why.

It was someone's bedroom...Regina's, she guessed. It was taking time for Emma's brain cells to come together. They were probably out having a memorial service for the cells she murdered last night. It probably didn't that that much to do the deed...the one bottle of 190 proof NASCAR fuel that was opened was only slightly emptied.

There were memories: Remembering telling Regina to only take one swig. The last time Emma took two swigs she was horizontal for two weeks.

There was Regina drunk on her ass, apologizing for just about everything she had ever tried to do to me. And the one thing she never did. Then they were hysterically laughing about something. And somewhere that night, Emma experienced the most intense orgasm ever.

There was also something about Regina noting that her parents, Snow and Charming, were incredibly hot and doable. What was even bizarre was that she was their daughter...and she agreed with Regina.

That memory meant that the main reason that weapons-grade potion from St. Louis was even opened failed miserably: trying to forget the fact that she and Regina walked into Snow White and Prince Charming attempting to recreate a scene from the Story of O.

"Shit, shit, and triple shit!"

And as Emma tried to rise from where she was...a bed, she figured...she felt something real strange.

It felt like someone was sucking on her toes.

Sure enough, as she slightly lifted her head from the mattress for which she was laying, she noticed a mess of black hair slightly bobbing up and down.

And on further inspection, a set of very full lips belonging to a certain small town mayor lasciviously licking on Emma's big toe.

God it felt good...

Damn being responsible...

* * *

Emma pulled the toe away from a disappointed Regina, reversed position, and put her face where her toe was. At which time, Mayor Mills resumed where she left off...on Emma's lips, tongue, and earlobes.

The problem was that the Everclear hangover was starting to build, and there is almost no pain as excruciating as an Everclear hangover, with the possible exception of that science experiment that Greg and Tamara subjected Regina to a few months back. And as much she would had wanted to enjoy what was happening, Emma's head felt was the Talladega race track on a hot summer Sunday. Regina noticed that something was wrong. Worse...at least for Emma, Regina did not seem like she was in any discomfort at all.

The mayor didn't even have to ask...she just placed a hand on each side of Emma's head, pressed gently, and within moments Emma felt a warm sensation taking over her body. It took only a few seconds, and she was better than new...except for the feeling of wanting to regurgitate every few minutes.

However that feeling could not entirely be credited to the few highly potent swigs Emma took the night before. There were those recurring fleeting moment of walking in on her parents, Snow White and Prince Charming...the poster kids for all that was virtuous...pretty much laying waste to every moral precept known to mankind.

Not to mention the reactions that both Emma and Regina were having...each one more disturbing than the last...

*Just walking in on Snow in dominatrix gear whacking Charming on his pretty-much bare behind...

*Admit to oneself that, when she wasn't in school marm mode, Snow White was exceedingly hot...

*The aforementioned ass of Charming..._day-yumm_...

The fleeting thoughts that both women had would be enough to earn each 20 years in the Maine Greybar Hotel. And they did not want to even imagine what may have happned after they closed that door.

But the possibility that those thought may had been played out on the mattress in Regina's _bedchamber..._

Emma Swan knew at that moment she was going to hell. With Regina leading the way.

Now the spell Regina cast DID sober her up a bit, bit nothing finishes the job like good, hot, black coffee...and gallons of it. The Sheriff and the Mayor had con through half a pot already as they sat on Regina's couch.

"I'm not going to ask about last night, Emma..."

Miss Swan continued the thought: "...probably not a good idea...I don't remember much. But what I do remember was..." The blonde smiled slyly, turned, moved towards the brunette's face and kissed those full lips of hers. This whispered "...incredible." Regina returned the kiss, then allowed Emma to tilt her head on they Mayor's.

"So, Madame Mayor, what do we do now...?"

Regina turned slightly, kissed Emma's forehead, and answered: "Well what my years of being mayor...not to mention two seasons of _Scandal_ have taught me...we just keep our mouths and let discretion be the better part of valour."

"Hmmm...there was a time when _The Evil Queen_..." _(Emma exaggerates that mention)_ "...would have embarrassed Snow White with all of this.

"She's married to Charming, isn't that enough...?

Emma rolls her eyes as Regina adds, "Besides, if I didn't save her life, you wouldn't be here."

That earned Regina another kiss from the Savior.

* * *

David Nolan was preparing coffee for himself and his wife in the kitchen of their apartment when the latter moved in and smacked his bottom, covered only by the tail of his checkered red shirt...a bottom still sore from the activities of the previous day...and night. The rear of Mary Margaret Blanchard was pretty tender as well...seems her prince could give as much as he could take.

There were pretty sore from the hours before...and David's kiss as M&M hugged his torso from behind showed that they may have been up for more...if it wasn't for the fact that within the hour they had to pretend that they were grownups. and go to their respective jobs.

So as the King and Queen sat down, they sipped their coffee, giving each other goofy looks.. But suddenly a look of panic washed across Mary Margaret's face.

"Yesterday did you hear a noise?"

"Outside of you smacking my ass, no."

"That wasn't only noise that came from you, Charming...especially when I whipped out the heavy artillery."

Charming did a couple of quick, flirtatious eyebrow arches.

"But seriously, Charming, I think someone was in the house yesterday while we were...you know..."

"Well, Snow, there's one thing to do...let's check."

After everyone came back from Neverland, Emma wanted to make sure that she could get to her parents in an instant. So she took a trip to Portland and picked up a security system. Cameras and sensors were installed all over the apartment, and all were keyed into the Sheriff's office. There was also a playback system in David and M&M's bedroom.

They quickly checked the playback all the way to the previous afternoon, and sure enough, Mary Margaret's fears were confirmed when they say the front door open and the heads of Emma AND Regina popped in.

Emma!

REGINA!

Mary Margaret was starting to hyperventilate while Charming tried to calm her down...tried being the operative word.

"But you don't understand...REGINA KNOWS!'

"Honey, we don't know if she saw anything..."

"IT'S REGINA! SHE SAW! AND EMMA SAW TOO!'

"Baby what could Regina possibly do...?"

"Charming, does the word BLACKMAIL mean anything to you?"

"Maybe the OLD Regina might have done that, but she saved the town. And besides, Emma was with her, what can our daughter do?"

"EMMA could blackmail us into letting her date Regina..."

"But we already know they're dating..."

"SHE doesn't know THAT! Besides our daughter saw me smacking your ahhh...ahhhhhh...aaaaaaaaw_ahhhhhwahhhhhhhh..."_

And as his wife collapsed in tears into his chest, David said. "There there. It's just going to be a slight embarrassing moment...besides they didn't EVERYTHING...I mean Snow...what could POSSIBLY go wrong...?"

* * *

After the trigger incident. Greg and Tamara were pretty much done for. When everyone came back from Wonderland, they couldn't find a tree and a rope fast enough. Regina and Emma themselves were ready to kick the stand from under the pair. But leave it to Snow White to point out that it would be murder, and that it blacken all of Storybrooke's hearts, and besides, there was a more productive way to punish the two.

And so, Greg was sentenced to hard labor, helping the dwarves rebuild. And as for Tamara...she would be in charge of maintaining the town and it's civic offices.

Yup. Tamara was the unpaid city maid.

And no, she didn't like it.

So it came to pass that day that, while she was cleaning the Sheriff's office, she happned upon the security system monitor. The one that was monitoring David and Mary Margaret's apartment. Curious (and frankly, wanting anythng to get out of doing cleaning), she it rewind to see if there was anything interesting going on in the abode of Snow White and Prince Charming.

Having backed up to the previous day, on the screen she saw Snow and Charming...

Say what?

What the helllll...?

Oh my GOD!

And she's doing THAT to HIM...?

With THAT?

And HE'S doing THAT to her?

_**OH...MY...FREAKING...GAWDDDDDDDDD!**_

Quickly. Tamara whipped out her smartphone, and data wire. SHe figured out how to download the entire video from the after till the morning. After that, she did some touch up cleaning, gathered her stuff and left the office.

And when she was a safe distance away, she did a text...

"BABY, YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT I GOT...!" And started to dowload the video to its recipent.

And Tamara could taste her freedom already.

* * *

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

_Smut, smut, smut, smut. Plus polyamorous thoughts and kink. And smut. You've been warned._

_OUAT is property of Disney/ABC. That rolling motion is Walt spinning in his grave over this._

_By the way, if you search "Ginnifer Goodwin W photos" on the Google doo-hickey, you will find our heroine in outfits that, shall we say, inspired a good chunk of this..._

_Oh, and as I wrap this up, may I say how dissed I am about Tamara. Oh, she's evil alright...but what do we know about her? Nuthin'. No back story...nothin'. And we know she's not going to make it past the 11th episode of the third season. So excuse me while I give the sister some lerrrrrrve..._

_I also would like to thank EVERY ONE OF YOU WHO HAS LIKED OR COMMENTED ON THIS. It makes me think I'm a better writer than I am. Also sorry about the delay...life, and a severe case of writer's block, which is why this chapter is soooooo short._

_Oh, by the way, there's smut. Short...but smutty._

* * *

**Chapter 3**

It was all Tamara could do...having mouth agape. She download the entire evening's activities from the security system connected to the Sheriff's computer. A system that had cameras attached to almost every room in the townhouse that David Nolan and Mary-Margaret Blanchard owned. And it seemed that they were every one of those rooms for erotic purposes.

There were of course the usual, more standard copulations in the usual, more standard positions. Tamara did notice that Mary-Margaret was a screamer and a very profane woman (delightfully so, Tamara thought), while David was a grunter, very physical, quite...shall we say...gifted. (equally delightful to Tamara).

But that was the appetizer. It was the main course that got Tamara's attention.

First there was the deal with the spanking. WIth the paddling (such a fine _bee-hind_ you have Mr. Nolan). And the whipping with the cat'o'nine.

Then the pixie-haired woman strapped on...OH MY GAWD!

Then she proceed to..._OH MY GAWWWWWD!_

Which lead to..._SWEET BABY JESUS!_

But they didn't stop there.

Apparently it seems David wanted payback.

There was a naked Mary-Margaret.

And Saran Wrap.

Lots of Saran Wrap.

Oh...and a Hitachi Magic Wand...

_HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GAWWWWWWWWD!_

And in went on and on. So did Tamara. And thankfully there was no one else in the office that night, for the woman would probably have has indecent acts to her rap sheet.

Damn.

* * *

The woman was exhausted. She had to clean up. Tamara made a mess of herself watching that video.

Her iPhone was going off like crazy.

It was Greg. He was coming over to see the evidence.

Such evidence. It would be highly embarrassing to the stars of said video, even if it was only under their Storybrooke personas.

When Tamara described the goings on to Greg, he thought that it would be wonderful blackmail. Visions of freedom, money, revenge probably were dancing in the man's head.

She turned off the phone and went quickly to work. She had to download the video files to her phone and get out of there. She'll worry later why that house had boo-koo security while the office of the Sheriff has almost none outside of a sleeping dog snoring in the corner.

As she started to download the files, she had to see them again. The woman was mesmerized by the images: two people with the reputation of sweetness and purity show a side of them themselves that, to quote Kim Carnes, "make a crow blush."

Greg may have his agenda...but Tamara also has hers.

Freedom be damned. She wants Snow and Charming. In the worst way.

* * *

**TBC **

I'll get back to SwanQueen next time. I just need a rest. And a beta.

Paste your document here...


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: It has been a long weekend, one that has tested loyalties and patience. I can away with these thoughts: I still love Lana and Jen, I still love the concept of SwanQueen. And that the producers should trust the fans. I think that's what's wrong, not just with this show, but other entertainments. Producers, networks, and studios assume, but they don't trust. And mistrust causes problems._

_This was supposed to be a longer chapter, but I needed to put this out for all the people who suffered through this week on Twitter and Facebook._

_This excessively M-Rated smutfest is all for you. And I do mean __**SMUT!**_ _Enjoy._

* * *

The former Queen of the Enchanted Forest and the Sheriff of Storybrooke, Maine were definitely two different personalities. Regina Mills was proper, sophisticated. Class and style all the way. Emma Swan, on the other hand, was brash, raw. A street-bred woman if there ever was one.

For the whole of their relationship, their personalities punctuated the way they interacted: discussions about their shared son, their defiantly lively arguments, their budding friendship and now, though definitely unintentional, romance.

Sex between them was the same way. Take the evening in question. It had been three days since the Mayor and the Sheriff walked in Emma's parents, otherwise known as Mistress Snow White and her sub, Prince Charming. Ever since that walk-in incident, both Emma and Regina had to deal with some very peculiar feelings. Not just seeing two people with the worlds most incredibly squeaky clean public images engaging in activity that would be more suited for a scene from _Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS, _but the fact that if it were not for relationship considerations, both women would be doing some serious bone-jumping on Miss Swan's parental unit's...err...units.

After all, David Nolan, idiot that he was, could have also doubled as a Greek god. Naked, his chest was a chiseled masterpiece, his ass could have been named as the tenth Wonder of the World. Not to mention his...his..._oh...sweet Jesus in heaven!_

And Snow! That tight domina's outfit exposed a body that a dancer would have killed for. And though it was a relatively short peek, it was very obvious that the woman had..._skillllllls..._

It was enough to make the brunette and the blonde feel very _I-am-going-to-burn-in-hell-for-what-i-am-thinking_ uncomfortable.

And incredibly horny.

Then, even in lovemaking, both women were true to form. WIth may be the reason why they were falling for each other.

Regina, for instance was the epitome of romance. She was slow, gentle. As Emma lay on the mattress, the Evil Queen moved slowly down the body of the blonde, savoring Emma's forehead, nose, lips...ohhhh, those lips. The brunette nuzzles the Sheriff's neck, then sucked in each finger with long, lingering motions. Regina's lovemaking was the ultimate tease, slowly raising Emma's temperature to almost unbearable levels. The Queen knew exactly how to make her minion submit, especially when Regina finally attached her mouth _there_.

It wasn't long before that tongue caused Emma to arch sharply from her back and let out a soundless scream. The Evil Queen had sent The Savior to heaven, and her mouth continued its erotic ministrations to keep Emma there.

Emma, on the other hand, was all raw emotion. Her kisses and touches were fire. She consumed Regina like she was a sumptuous meal. The brunette's body was a buffet, and the blonde dug in. Lips, fingers, nipples...Emma devoured her pray inch by inch. Regina's level of pleasured torture had now gone beyond what a normal human could bear, but she wanted more, egging on her blonde torturer with words and expressions more suited for a sailor than royalty. By the time Emma's mouth found Regina's center of pleasure she begged for sweet relief. But Miss Swan decided to bring out the heavy artillery.

After coating her hand with her own oral juices, Emma plunged one finger in. Then another. And another and another. It was an entry seldom used, and it seemed to hermetically seal Emma's hand. Obscenities were now flowing out of the mayor's mouth at an alarming rate and volume as Emma continued to pump hard.

"OH MY GODS!" Regina Mills, welcome to heaven.

"OH MY GODDDDDDS!" It seemed in one moment, all of Regina's sins were forgiven and she achieved a new life...

"OH MY..._GODS!_"

Even an inexperienced lover knows the difference between a scream of pleasure and a scream of panic. A shocked Emma, hand still in the cookie jar as it were, saw a terrifed Regina point forward. Emma turned her head and saw the reason for panic.

They stood wide-eyed and wordless. The last audience they could imagine, but there were were.

Mary Margaret and David. Stunned and flabbergasted.

Apparently, the Mayor left the door of the mansion unlocked. Snow and Charming had come over to try to figure out exactly how much the women had seen when they walked in on the Charming's kinky tete-a-tete. When they heard noises, they were panicked, thinking the Evil Queen was doing something highly immoral to their sweet daughter. They walked up the stairs, down the hallway, and opened the door.

Well, at least they were half right..

Meekly, the pair slowly backed out of Regina's bedroom and just as slowly closed the door on the twosome now wrapped only in a sheet and massive embarrassment.

* * *

And as the parents meekly maneuvered down the long hallway leading away from the bedroom, the Prince noticed the white queen suddenly grin, and the silence was broken by her fitting...and slightly familiar..observation: "You know, Charming, I have to say that it is impressive that our daughter can still provide her parents with a few traumatic memories at this stage of the game." At which point. Charming, in spite of himself, broke out in raucous laughter, followed by his wife who kissed her husband between guffaws.

* * *

At the same time, both still naked and in bed, Regina was puzzled at the look of smugness that was on her lover's face where there should be panic.

The blonde simply turned to the brunette and said one word" Payback."

"Excuse me, Miss Swan?"

"Remember when we came back from Wonderland the first time?" Regina nodded. "Well, I walked in on mommy and daddy just before they were about to go into round two."

All Regina could do was laugh, thinking that Emma's face must have looked like what Snow's face just moments ago.

And Regina's laugh was so rich, Emma had to join in.

There was a lot of explaining to do, but for now, and embarrassing situation had an unexpected dividend: For the first time in a long time, the house of Mills was filled with laughter.

**TBC**

* * *

_Next: They talk about it. And believe me, it __will__ get worse! BWAHAHAHAAAA!_


	5. Chapter 5

_Sorry for the delay, and for the lack of smutty smut in this, although there is enough here to whet your whistle. There is also a bit of a serious turn here._

_If there is anyone on that show I feel sorry for is Tamara. So far, she doesn't have a back story, not even a last name. We hope that changes with "Lost Girl" (S3E2), but I want to give the girl her due._

_Thanks for sticking with this...and thanks for your comments. I need them.._

* * *

**Chapter 5**

"...so the first thing I thought when we walked in and saw you two was..._ho-lee-shit!_"

Emma Swan's recalling of that fateful moment two days before elicited a trio of giggles and snorts from everyone else surrounding the prep island in Regina Mills' kitchen. Turning to her parents, a less-embarrassed-than-expected Mary Margaret and David, Emma added, "the next thing I thought was...what a magnificent ass, _DAD!_" the aforementioned father did a spit-out, Mary Margaret did a Tiger Woods fist pump, and Regina just smirked broadly while she stirred pancake batter.

Of course, this conversation would not be quite so free-wheeling if it weren't for Henry spending the weekend with Rumple and Belle in Boston _(as Belle e-mailed to Emma earlier, that kid truly __**was**_ _the Rump's downfall...with Chuck in the afternoon, and World War 3...aka..FIFA 14 on the hotel's Xbox in the evening...)_ In fact, Emma was kinda shocked at the high level of comfort that the other three had in discussing sex.

"It's like walking and eating, dear," Regina explained, "We all do it, so why be ashamed? There are a lot of things I have done in the old world that I am more ashamed of."

"One day," added Mary Margaret, "I'll tell you about Ali, the short order cook at the Rabbit Hole and the guy she married. They're still happily-ever-aftering. Her real name's Allerleirauh."

"Some name, said Emma.

"Some _story_, replied David, sipping on his coffee.

It was indeed a rather ribald morning.

And as the quartet consumed copious pancakes swimming in cane syrup and butter, tales went back on forth about conquests and near conquests of an intimate variety.

There were those seven friends of Snow's _("Absolutely not! Well, Happy came the closest...")._

The now infamous near seduction of Charming by Regina _(David spread that story at the Hole the next night, calling himself 'The One That Got Away," earning the deputy high fives and free Sam Adams' from everyone in the bar, including Mr. Gold. Regina on the other hand lamented she should have worn a lower cut dress...)._

And then there was one incident that both Emma and Snow were embarrassed to tell _(Emma simply said, we were depressed about lack-of-boyfriends, we were watching season two of Grey's and there was some merlot...and pretty much stopped there...)_...

By the time seconds were handed out, diets were cast in the fire, and faces were redder than said fire, Emma had to ask the obvious question...

"So...m-m-mom...how _do_ you feel about...you know...me...Regina..."

Snow: "Hon..._EVERYONE_ in Storybrooke figured that one out from day one. I mean the looks you two gave each other...Red calls it eye-sex."

Regina: "EYE-sex?"

Snow: "Yeah, the way the two of you were looking at each other, I almost expected you to start getting busy in the middle of Mifflin!"

David struggled with holding in a laugh, while Emma scooted her chair over to Regina's and smirked. "You gotta hand it to my parental units...they are very observant..." Then the blond got really...y'know...? "Very..._very_...observant.." And with that the Sheriff locked lips with Mayor and they proceeded...deeply...in front of their parents.

Parents wearing the goofiest of David looked at his pixie-haired wife and remarked, "well, darling...it seems that our daughter can inspire as much as her parents can.."

With the broadest of smiles, Snow White quietly remarked, "maybe we old farts should show these young whippersnappers how its done..." And with that, Snow and Charming began making out on their own.

And the Mifflin Morning Make-out Session would have continued if there was not a very sharp and pronounced _BANG_ on the door.

Regina reluctantly got up to see who had disturbed this marvelous moment and she opened the door to one very tall, very frantic woman.

"Well, Miss Lucas, your timing is indeed lousy this morning"

"I need to speak to Snow..._now_!"

Snow, Charming and Emma quickly came from the kitchen. Ruby wanted to talk to Snow and Charming alone, but Emma said that whatever had to be said could be said to all four. So she did.

"It's Tamara."

The reactions to that name were various face palms and eye rolls, until Ruby added: She took some video of surveillance system to your house Snow. It was stuff with you and David...you know..._stuff_."

Immediately all four knew what "stuff" the werewolf was talking about. It seems now that Emma and Regina were not the only eyewitnesses to the debauchery of the other night.

Snow: "Was there any...?"

Ruby: "No, just you and Charming." The tall woman seem...relieved.

David wondered why Ruby didn't do anything, and she replied that she was still in wolf form and she didn't want to give the woman anymore ammo. Emma, though was wondering was there more to this story..something that would involved the tall, raven-tressed waitress.

Regina hinted that that there may be blackmail in the air, and all agreed. Regina also offered her evil-queen services. Emma offered savior-esque backup.

But Snow refused. "I know how to handle myself, and as half of this town knows, my Charming has a wicked left hook."

Ruby: "You can say that again!"

Another shock? Emma asked, "Dad hit you?"

Ruby: "No, he never punched me...but I know someone he did"

Emma wondered why Ruby winked after that...and dad returned it.

Regina noted that "now we wait for the other shoe to drop."

That shoe dropped almost immediately after Regina said it. Mary Margaret's iPhone rang. She answered.

"_Miss Blanchard...or shall I say Miss WHITE? This is Greg Mandell. How are you today...?"_

* * *

**Greg's room at the inn-Tamara's POV**

"_...yes This afternoon at Granny's...and, yes we're picking up the tab...I think you'll be verrrrry interested in what we have for you...see ya then..."_

Greg hung up the phone. He was confident. He was smug.

And the more he spoke, the more I hated myself.

Yes, I wanted my freedom. Just as much as Greg. And at first, I thought those images I showed Greg with Snow and her Prince would be the key. Wealth and power through blackmail.

But then I remembered the island. I remembered that I was near death. That I deserved to die. I deserved to die at Regina's hands. It would have been fitting, after all.

But for whatever reason, it was Snow who ran up to Regina, calmed her down,made her realise that Greg and I were as much prisoners of "the Home Office" as we made poor Henry. It was Snow who spared our suggested service to the community as penance for what we tried to do.

Then I kept looking at that tape. Maybe it was gratitude or hormones or whatever...but Snow White and Prince David were two of the most beautiful humans I've ever seen.

I wanted them inside me. To taste them. To...who am I kidding. I could never have them.

Never.

I didn't even hear Greg talk about what he...we...were going to demand...freedom, money...pretty much the farm. I didn't care. Two days ago I did. But now I don't anymore.

He asks me do I want to come. I tell him I'm not well. And I'm not. I've never been sick to my stomach like this.

He kisses me deeply and leaves the room. For the first time in two years, I don't feel it,

.

I still love him...I just...

I take out my phone, turn it on, go to the video player and the clips again. I take my jeans off, lay on the bed, one hand on my spot and the other holding the phone.

I diddle, poke, prod, rub as I watch. I wait for that one spot. I hold it in as much as I can until I get to that one spot on the clip.

That one spot.

I want us to get there together.

And we do.

Together.

And wish to God they were with me now,

And as I come, I cry. Hard,

Dear God, I'm in love with them. _Both._

**TBC.**

_**It might get a bit serious for the next couple of chapters...but I promise a BANG up ending! Heh Heh Heh!**_


End file.
